Living With a Partner Who Has Sleep Apnea

Being close with your partner can feel harder when sleep gets in the way. If your partner struggles with their sleep and it affects how romantically connected you feel, this post gives an overview of sleep apnea and ways to talk about it. Living with a partner who has sleep apnea can be hard on both of you.

Here are some tips to help you reconnect.

The Symptoms To Look Out For In Your Partner (Is it Apnea?)

At 3 a.m., you wake up abruptly because of your partner’s loud snores. You have to be at work in three hours, and it seems impossible to fall back to sleep with the noise. In the morning you resent your partner for keeping you up, but you also feel guilty because you know it is not their intention.

If your partner struggles to sleep soundly, it affects their life, sometimes in ways that are not yet connected to their sleep.

These are some of the most common effects of poor sleep, according to The American Academy of Sleep Medicine:

• Low energy
• Lack of concentration, attention problems and forgetfulness
• Irritability, lack of motivation, anxiety and symptoms of depression
• Falling asleep when sitting still in a quiet or monotonous situation
• Fatigue and lack of coordination

Sleep apnea can cause some of the same effects. According to the Mayo Clinic, common symptoms include loud snoring, gasping for air during sleep, waking up with a dry mouth, morning headaches, excessive daytime sleepiness and trouble paying attention while awake.

Sleep deprivation can have serious effects, so it is worth addressing to protect your partner’s long-term health. There are many causes of sleep deprivation, and sleep apnea is one of them.

How Your Partner’s Sleep Apnea May be Affecting You and Your Living Situation

Your partner’s sleeping struggles can also have a knock-on effect on you and your relationship. Here are some of the most common side effects reported within a couple:

• Anxiety and fear for their health
• Feeling resentful of their mood swings
• Annoyed by their lack of energy that manifests as laziness
• Less physical intimacy: lower sex drive, less sexual attraction
• Sleep deprivation due to snoring
• Feeling disconnected

What Does the Research Say About Sleep Apnea and Relationships?

A 2010 study in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine followed 123 men aged 21 to 60 with obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) who used nasal CPAP for at least three months. Before treatment, the men reported more impairment in intimate and sexual relationships. After treatment, they were more alert and reported better relationships, with the largest gains in those with the most severe disease.

Another study examined the impact of snoring, concluding that when snoring is severe, it can cause anger and resentment in a partner. This may in turn affect sexual function and intimacy.

Rosalind Cartwright, PhD, founder of the Sleep Disorders Center at Rush, said in Science Daily:

“Couples who struggle with sleep apnea have a high-divorce rate.”

Why Is Sleep Apnea Related to Poor Relationships?

Cartwright pointed to the strain on the marriage. Living with a partner who has sleep apnea can mean lost sleep and resentment, which can make for a tense home environment, especially during a stressful time such as a pandemic.

When one person is chronically struggling with sleep, both partners can feel the effects. You love your partner and want them to feel like themselves again, and approaching the issue with compassion can make it easier to talk about.

Communication Between You & Your Partner is Key

If your partner’s sleep apnea symptoms are not addressed, sleep deprivation may have long-term effects on their health and on your relationship. Taking the first step toward resolution can be difficult, especially on topics related to sex.

A 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at communication within couples about sexual intimacy. The researchers found that more than half of all participants wanted to communicate with their partner about sex but did not, to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings or feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed.

Communication is Essential

A 2013 YourTango survey of 100 mental health professionals found that communication problems were the most commonly cited factor in divorce. Inability to resolve conflict came second. Suppressing your feelings in a relationship may work in the short term, but it is not a good long-term solution.

Ways to Approach the Issue

We reached out to a psychotherapist and relationship expert, Helen Lomas, for ways to approach difficult issues within a relationship, including living with a partner who has sleep apnea.

Based on our conversation, these were the main takeaways:

1. Put Yourself In Their Shoes

It is easy to resent your partner for interrupting your sleep, or for not being as full of life as the partner you once knew. It helps to put yourself in their shoes.

Research links sleep deprivation to emotional, physical and behavioral changes, particularly when the cause is sleep apnea, a medical condition. Your partner is struggling, and they need your support, not your anger.

When you approach the issue with your partner, think about how you would like to be told. Putting yourself in their shoes can make for a more empathetic and productive conversation.

2. Approach With Caution

This is a sensitive subject, especially if it has caused arguments in the past. During a normal conversation with your partner, gently steer the conversation toward your concerns. This can lower your partner’s defenses and leave room for vulnerability.

3. Speak with Compassion

Helen commented,

“Your partner may get defensive, but meeting this with anger will not leave room for true resolve.”

Be kind and compassionate, even if you are annoyed by your partner’s reaction. This can lead to a better outcome.

4. Be Supportive

You love and care for your partner, which is why you are with them. We all go through struggles in life, and being there for your partner during the hardest times can strengthen your bond. Your goal is to find a resolution to their sleep apnea, so make it clear that you want to support them in getting better.

5. Physical touch

If sexual intimacy has been lost because of your partner’s sleep apnea, try holding their hand, embracing them or giving a gentle touch on the arm. This can remind them that you are their partner, and this act of vulnerability can help your partner do the same.

What Is Sleep Apnea?

Sleep apnea is a respiratory sleep disorder that affects an estimated 26% of US adults aged 30 to 70, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. The airway becomes blocked and breathing stops repeatedly during sleep. This interrupts sleep and can cause coughing, gasping, loud snoring and daytime sleepiness, sometimes at unexpected moments such as in a meeting.

Causes of Sleep Apnea

Those most at risk include men, older adults and people with a higher body weight (obesity). Other causes and risk factors may include:

• Neck circumference
• Narrow throat
• Family history
• Smoking
• Alcohol use

If you believe your partner has undiagnosed sleep apnea, talk with them about it and suggest they see a medical professional for diagnosis and treatment.

In Conclusion

Living with a partner who has sleep apnea can be challenging, and you do not have to manage it alone. When your partner is struggling with sleep, you are affected too, especially by the knock-on effects of sleep deprivation. Compassion, support and open communication about your own needs can help both of you.

If you think your partner may have sleep apnea, encourage them to talk with their doctor or sleep provider about home sleep testing. Wesper develops FDA-cleared home sleep testing medical devices used by clinicians, and a medical provider orders the test. Providers can learn more on the professional page.